My first post

Okay... this is my first post and I guess I'll start with telling everyone a little bit about myself.

As you can probably tell, I'm bipolar (I have bipolar II). I honestly think back and wonder how I made it so long before I got diagnosed and was on meds.

So... I guess this post is going to be kind of a background on my bipolar disorder.

Okay... I was what one would call very emotional... even as a toddler. My mother has told everyone so many times how, when I was but 4yrs old, in preschool, I dropped a carton of milk, closed, so none even spilled, and totally freaked out for over an hour, crying and inconsolable.... even when a teacher tried to retrieve it and give it to me... even with the offer of a new milk.

Looking back, I just think... if only they'd known back then what they know today... it'd be so obvious. I remember when my own oldest son, Doodle, was little... looking at his mood swings and just seeing myself in him.

Instead, I was just called emotional, sensitive, shy, and left untreated as many children still are today... no therapy, no real help, no one knowing what was going on with me or how to make me feel balanced. I grew up wondering how everyone else managed to keep looking so even tempered... why they didn't seem to get as upset as I did. Surely they did, they just hid it better, right? I tried to hide it more and more... leading me to take out my frustrations in food, which have lead to my obesity that is still a problem (more posts may discuss my attempts to lose weight in a healthy way and my various issues with food).

When I went to elementary school, I wasn't focused. Those of you who have bipolar disorder know that a manic high is often similar to add or adhd in what it does to your attention span and I often either had a high, which made me not able to pay attention, or such a severe low that I would be thought to be reclusive, shy, and a loner.

My wonderful 2nd grad teacher, who I loved dearly, suggested that I see a psychologist or psychiatrist. My mother took me, but she was looking immediately for a quick fix. All the psychologist recommended was talk therapy, in addition to med options, but they would need to be scripted by our family practitioner. I actually have fond memories of my sessions with my psychologist, but unfortunately, they didn't do much to help me and I found myself not wanting to open up with him as there was so much about home life I was trying to hide (will get into THAT another time, too).

In the meantime, I was put on Cilert, a popular choice for add at the time. It made me drop weight, which I liked, and pepped me up, which meant the lows were gone, but it would also keep me awake at nights.

It would make me how my mom wanted for a little bit, but then I'd act up or something, so she'd up my dose. After a year like this, she gave in to my grandmother and my insistance that it wasn't helping and allowed me to stop taking it.

However, whenever I acted up too bad, I was threatened with it. Because of this, I preferred to be at my grandparents' house and still feel that they were more like parents to me than my mother. My parents were divorced, so my relationship with my father is something I'll talk about in other posts.

I forget when I stopped therapy, but I believe I was in about 4th grade.

In Jr. High and High school I had longer bouts of highs and lows... I would see talk of depression, which was a new thing everyone was talking about. It sounded so much like parts of me, but there was no mention of the highs I had. And they said the medicines were for when you were having what my lows were like, so since that could be for just a few hours or as long as several days, I just didn't think it would help.

I became pregnant with Doodle toward the end of my Senior Year of High School. While pregnant, I found my moods were more balanced, rather than all over the place, and it was nice. However, I was very ill during the pregnancy and he was born early due to pre-eclampsia (more info on that for another post). After, I had what I would now call post-pardom disorder, but yet different from that. I had visions and thoughts of harming my child, but I wasn't depressed, and I had control over myself. I figured I was watching too much Lifetime Television and went back to work to get out of the house as it was winter (breastfeeding was going well, so I figured I could keep pumping during work and nurse at home... it worked)... it helped... but the thoughts and bouts of lows continued up until right before I became pregnant with The Bird.

When I became pregnant with The Bird, it was more like being on a 9-month high. I'd never felt better in my life. It was only when breastfeeding failed that I crashed so hard into depression and thoughts that my baby didn't love me, that he didn't need me. It wasn't about hurting my baby. I was literally having suicidal feelings. My husband was so worried. I went back to work hoping it would help get my mind off of failing at breastfeeding (I was so dehydrated and anemic... I must detail in another post).

We moved out of my in-law's house (we'd moved there so I'd have help when I had The Bird) and to Virginia and the moods and everything I'd had for years continued though my ppd from The Bird was done (work had helped and a happy healthy baby who was smiling, babbling, and interacting in ways that could assure me he definitely needed and loved me helped, too). It finally got to where my husband gave me a choice... get help, or lose my family until I did.

I felt almost euphoric, though. Finally, someone besides me thought something more basic than just a bout of depression, ADD, or ppd was going on. He thought I needed to see someone for something chemical. By then, info on bipolar disorder was more widespread and I had watched Anna (Patty) Duke's story and identified so much with her that I was just sure I had some form of what she did.

I got lucky. My psychiatrist diagnosed me and confirmed what I believed to be true. He prescribed me Lexapro, which has helped me so much, and Seroquel, which creates the pure balance. Lexapro boosts the lows that persist with just the mood stabilizer.

The thing that terrified me when I got pg with Roo was the idea of going off of my meds. I did the best I could, though, and succeeded in staying completely med free until 1/2 way through the 2nd trimester. Zoloft helped a bit to get me through the end, but I sadly had to choose between the meds that worked best for me and nursing my daughter. This time, it was no physical reason, it was pure choice of true sanity and feeling happier and more normal vs. giving my daughter what I knew was best for her (breast is best and all). In the end, my psychiatrist and my husband urged me to do what I wanted, as only I could know just what would keep me able to best function as a wife and mother to both my husband and new baby, as well as my older children. I chose my sanity and don't regret it, though I feel guilty sometimes.

I continue to feel as though the medication that helps me feel normal, not have the horrible lows and highs that plagued me from as long as I can remember, and have healthy relationships and live a happy life are the best gift GOD has given me.

Well, if you've made it this far, my next post will talk about my pregnancy and birth of Doodle.